Tempered Expectations

So i called Loma Linda Friday because i've been a little worried about the status of my application. All the Cali school deadlines were December 1st, and my last science recommendation letter went through the system on that day. Procrastinating like a pro. So i spoke with someone in Admissions at LLU and she pulled up my file and apparently they had none of the letters submitted through AADSAS (online dent app portal). So i expressed my concern, and she said not to worry since my application would go to committee anyway.

Anyway, i've also been hearing about people who got phone calls on Wednesday which was the first day all dent schools using AADSAS could tell people they've been accepted. i did not receive a phone call. i chalked it up to my ridiculously late recommendation letters. Anyway, i check the site last night and lo and behold....

Kind of tiny.... but yeah, i hope this isn't a trick. The good thing is that it looks like i've been accepted. The bad thing is that since i only have 30 days to decide and i haven't been interviewed anywhere else yet i probably won't have a chance to see what my options are. Guess i'm going to Loma Linda (maybe)!

But yeah, i haven't received a phone call or anything. i just found out because i've been obsessively checking my application status on all the different school sites and AADSAS whenever the future comes to my brain. i almost don't want to get my hopes up and have them realize that it's incorrect. That i'm the wrong Jonathan Kim or something. Also there are way too many people i've grown to know over my year here who are essentially my "competition". In some ways i bet they want it more than me. Now that i've been potentially accepted, all the selfish desires of getting in that have been consuming my concerns have evaporated (tentatively) and now i'm just hoping that all my pre-dent friends get in. As impractical as that is... i just hope.... And i hate to verbalize it because it borders on pity in perception, but it couldn't be farther from it. i can honestly say that all my friends are seriously the only reason i can do anything. i'm not a particularly independent soloist. Whether it's just a random uplifting phone call once in a while or tips on how to study for the DAT better, every single one of my friends has contributed in some way to my successes and happiness. And i just hope that all of us get in and we'll party it up for 4 wondrous teeth-filled years.

So i guess we'll see how it goes. i've still gotta graduate and i've been slacking so hard. It's like i realize how much i can slack so i push it to the edge and rest there until i realize i can slack some more and scoot a little closer to the edge. Last year was so rough and in comparison this year is just... restful... i think this is senioritis. And this time it's actually legit. i'm 28 years old (will be 29 before dent school) + last year of biochemistry degree = advanced senioritis with a supreme case of oldness. i really should improve my study habits if this dent school thing is going to happen. But yeah, blogger nation is the first one to hear about it. All 2 of you. i'll post if i get more concrete confirmation or denial.

8 days?

So now i've got 8 days until the rest of my life. Puhaha. i wonder if i'm stressed. i've been tired lately and my mind has been mush. Is this what it's like? i don't want to say i don't like studying because that would imply that all this is something i really hate, so i suppose it's more appropriate to say that all this studying is a means to an end. An end that's going to take its sweet time in coming, but an end that i genuinely would like for my own reasons.

8 days until I find out if my plans are feasible. If my entrance into dental school will be likely, a stretch, or a resounding "hell no" from the admissions committees at all the schools where i applied. i have a pretty tough year (for my time-addled mind) ahead too since i'm actually trying to graduate. Only... 7 years later than originally planned. Woe is me.. blah blah. i'm not complaining. Just... explaining.

8 days until I can breathe a sigh of relief.. or cry from remorse. i seriously can't study more than i have. Theoretically it's possible i could study more... i mean, i'm blogging right now when i could be reviewing ochem reactions or chemistry equations or biology factoids, but here i am. type type. So we are the sum of our choices and experiences and events and emotions. i am. We'll see how it goes.

In other news, there is no news! i think i've learned more biology in the last couple of weeks than i have in my entire life. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's funny how i feel like i've gotten older and i've grown wiser, but in the end i always find that i wish i could go back and change pretty much anything and everything. Very little i can look back at and say, "Damn, i did that so well it couldn't have been done better! i win!" Never. i can rationalize why i did what i did and feel better about it, but that's mostly for my own good..... i guess i'm lucky i don't dwell on those things too much. Har har.

So i'll see you in a few days. i'll post my results because i'm open like that. Maybe.

If you have emotional baggage, do you...

a). throw it out of the train,

b). stow it in an overhead compartment,

c). shove it into someone else's lap, or

c). open it up, and carefully caress and cuddle all of the items inside

i don't have dreams frequently so i don't often understand what the hell they mean especially when they are fairly realistic (i.e. no flying and no aliens). Like are the emotions from the dream grounded in some subconscious reality? Do i really care that much or do i take it at face value as a fanciful dream where emotions can take the same drastic turns as physics can in the dream world.

Lately i've been kind of stressed. i don't know what's going on around here. People don't seem to understand that if you haven't done anything to me and it looks like i'm avoiding you, then it's not on purpose. But if i don't call you to hang out, then it probably means there's some stress involved with hanging out. i'm in what i like to call a "stress-free zone" right now. This zone is much more stringent than those smoke-free zones where you can't like smoke in a bar or within 100 feet of a door or something. The only thing i have room for violating this sanctum is the nasty, ugly DAT man who likes to torment me.

Wow, that was nonsense. Anyhow, if you're always the victim, then something must be wrong with you, right? It's within reason for others to expect you to love hanging out with them even though they stress you out, right? That you have this incredibly important test coming up that will just about determine if you can do what you want to do, and the true important thing is their feelings since they're incapable of keeping their mouth shut, right? How silly of me. Silly silly silly me. rage.

So a lot has happened in the past year. Coming to California has been a blessing and a curse. Maybe Cali is the blessing and i may be the curse.

Anyway, less than 2 weeks until the big day. Frankly, i'm ready for it to be oooovvvverr. And fyi, i hate test prep books. i kind of like this whole learning thing that's happening (like i'd much rather learn about the human body than .... TCNOs, computer networks, communications platforms), but it's completely taken over my mind. Maybe that's why the colorful dream sat in such stark contrast to the barren graveyard in my mind where biology factoids come to die. Blergh.

Just remembered i had a dream.

It was some weird mock interview for dent school. FML.

To be a dentist...

So i attended a Careers in Dentistry Workshop in Loma Linda. It was... interesting.

It's always nice to attend an event with people who you know have the same goals as you do. You know automatically that the next person you talk to is in a way your competition, but also someone who's in the trenches with you. Someone who knows what utter agony it is to take all these science courses, apply through AADSAS and study/take the DAT.

Anyway, i've already made my decision to go to dent school. Or at least make every attempt i can to test my limits of learning. The workshop was nice to get familiar with LLU and i got a chance to see it as a quality first choice instead of the default one.

i still want to be a dentist in spite of all the reasons people seem to want to be dentists. i hate the fact that all these Koreans are already doing it or trying to do it. i hate that the school is filled with a bunch of extra-connected SDAs which makes for a disgustingly fertile hotbed of gossip. i hate that the dent school is like in the basement of the building and feels practically subterranean. i hate when my family talks to me about expectations and high hopes. But even with all those negative factors, i still want it so it's nice to have that strange counter-motivation being an ineffective deterrent. i like LLU a lot, and it's so cliche, but i like it for the fact that they seem to really want to get out and do stuff to help other people.

When i was young i knew i wanted to be a doctor in order to "help people". While that idealistic dream has somewhat lost its luster, i've realized i still definitely want to help people. i've seen the power of simple dental care and it'd be awesome to actually have a skill set that i could use in that way. What the heck would i do with my computer skills? Show them how to find crap on Google? Or how to make an email address? Or how to set up a computer network? If i wanted to just make decent money as a contractor it would've been quite possible, but even "saving the world" wasn't enough for me in the Air Force. i want to help lives. i'm not really that concerned about money. i've made crappy money and it was whatever. i estimate i really only need about 60-70K (generally, not including any adjustments for cost of living in different areas) to reach the maximum echelon of material happiness as an unmarried male with no dependents and this could be accomplished quite easily in almost any career, but i've chosen dentistry and i only hope that dentistry chooses me.

Day 2.5

So surgery went well. As well as cutting out a parotid gland tumor goes. So it was a deep lobe tumor and so he had to remove it all. i was left with a sizable chunk of my insides missing, but i suppose i'll be ok. They don't act like it's worth being alarmed. i guess i'm a good patient in the sense that i have enough trust to just go with the flow. i would've been disappointed if i woke up without a jaw, but i would've probably understood if they tried to explain it to me.

Anyway, so i've got this tube sticking out of my head for drainage. It's actually pretty neat, but super inconvenient since i don't really feel like going out and having people stare. i was in recovery and the guy across from me was staring like crazy. In fact, the guy and what i assumed to be his parents were all staring at me. When i got home and looked in the mirror i realized why. i'll post some pics later. But yeah, so i've got this tube sticking out of my head down into this little plastic grenade looking thing to store all the stuff that drains out. It looks like strawberry punch. Ooh, or Hawaiian Punch.

i'm actually feeling rather inconvenienced though. i've got a LOT of stuff i still need to do and i can't really do it in my current condition. i've got a lot more shadowing i want to do which will take a couple of weeks at least. i have to get my recommendation letters together. i've gotta get my contract for graduation. i've gotta finish my dent school app. i've got to study for my DATs. i have a dentistry workshop at LLU in July. No time!!

i didn't really need too many pain meds early on since i was still kind of numb, but now i'm starting to feel it. The left side of my face is weak and my left eye doesn't like to close. My face is totally like Two-Face from the Batman cartoon since the left side of my face is fairly unresponsive and the right side moves fine, but when both sides don't sync up when you smile it just looks strange.

And so that's that. Time for more resting.

The Surge

i've been under general anesthesia for a couple surgeries. All having to deal with my face/mouth before too now that i think about it. Anyway, they always say there's a risk you'll die from it and always make sure you're aware of it. So if i'm not blogging anymore i'll see you later.

But yeah, tomorrow's the big day. i kind of miss being in the AF for this one part. i never had to worry about insurance or paying bills for medical/dental care before. Oh well, i can't let this growth become too monstrous. It's already like 2.5 cm in diameter. Pretty soon the tumor will be the host and i'll be the tumor on it. Hey, if Lebron James can have one then i can too. i'll try and post fun pictures. i told the doc that i wanted a picture of it, and he said ok. Maybe i'll ask for pics of the procedure too. As an aspiring dentist w/ a future education in surgery in the face.... Who better to view than my own exposed self?

i can't believe it's the summer already. i'm happy, but i've gotta finish up all my dent school applications and stuff still. Sucks because all those people on the semester system are already all over it and i'm just now getting off. Ok, this is boring... i'll try to keep from posting a bunch of school/studying nonsense over the summer.

One bonus: i get a prescription for vicodin. i think drugs are interesting. i don't get how people get addicted to pain meds though. i'm no House, but when i had percocet for my eye surgery i just liked it at the time for its ability to put me to sleep. i didn't care about taking it after a couple of days. , but it's not like i really needed it for sleep once the pain from the surgery was gone. i can sleep anywhere, anytime. That's my super power.

Ok, i've gotta finish editing a few pictures to turn in and then i'm done with the stinking LLU graduation. i would vent on FB, but my "employer" is my FB friend. This had to be potentially the worst photography experience of my life so far and totally turned me off to taking pictures professionally. i guess now i understand why photographers charge so dang much. i took 3800+ pictures over the course of 4 events for LLU school of medicine graduation weekend. It was grueling. It wasn't like i was taking pics in Iraq or anything, but it was just an overall unpleasant combination of a long shooting schedule, hot weather, and time-consuming post-processing. i don't want to talk about compensation since i almost would've done the graduation itself for free, but yeah..... i'm the worst! i complain about my employer on my blog.

Oh well, and so it goes.

Lady Gaga was whatever before, but she's gotten freaking weirder. Being random and creepy doesn't make you an artistic genius. How about making some good music? The California Gurls video looks like it's going to suck too.

Yep, i'm talking about pop music.

i feel this weird undercurrent of objectifying women in music. It's like.. sure there are a bunch of ladies out there singing now. Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Beyonce, Rihanna, blah blah, but they're all just really out there shaking their goodies. Or in Lady Gaga's case... stripping down to nude colored clothing and looking weird with dead eyes.

When did i turn into such a semi-feminist?

Well, a couple more days til the end of the (school) year. Hurray! Now i'm going to catch up on my blogs.

Everything That Rises....

And so here it is. The home stretch to finish my first year academic year here. Hurray.

i want to be done. i yearn to be done. i can taste it. It's like that cool hint of the desert air getting ready to be tasted as the sun sets over the mountains here in beautifully brown Loma Linda.

i can graduate by next spring if i schedule my classes right (which would basically mean i graduated in 4 regular student years with a brief 6 year awkwardly timed stint in the AF), but that means i can't do the biology minor i was planning on. Oh well, i wanna be done earlier, but it all depends on whether i get accepted into dent school or not. We'll see what my odds are in a bit.

i sometimes feel i need to remind myself and push myself back on track. i've been hemming and hawing about everything, but i've realized i have absolutely nothing else to fall back on. Well, i have a few options, but i will be seriously derailed if i don't get in this year. So, i've gotta get on it! Why oh why is it so hard to stay motivated? i went to LLU dent and med school graduations this weekend. It was both inspiring and also pretty boring. i don't think i'd even really want to walk if i didn't think my family would be happy. i suppose that's getting way ahead of myself. Let's take it one year at a time.

Well, this is just a really long status update. Maybe i'll be more inspired after finals.

Positivity

Lately i've been in a funk. i feel like i'm coming out of it. Like one of these little yellow flowers that are outside of the house. Every day i leave and they're all closed up and when i get home they're open to the sun. They never die apparently either. They just continue the cycle. Open, close, open, close. Constantly surviving (which shouldn't be too difficult since it's always the same here - hot or almost hot).

And so that's how i will be. This actually reminds me a lot of the first quarter when i had analytical, ochem, and physics kicking my butt. Now i have 3 sciences again and i forgot how much it sucks. i have a bad feeling this is going to be normal for the next couple of years as i catch up to where i should be in my sciences. i'll graduate with like 250 credits. Yay for being super educated.

So coming to terms with everything was tough and slow and maddening, but here i am. Hopefully i'm not just happy for now because i'm typing on my new macbook pro (which is awesome, btw).

But on a side note i've been disturbed by this trend. i'm not really one to harp on how much respect i need or being disrespected or whatever. i've had periods in my life where i snap to reality and i realize, "hey, something isn't right. Being nice is cool, but it's resulting in a lot of crap being dumped on me." i had that awakening when i was in high school and lugging some girl's bag while she talked it up with my archnemesis. i had it when my younger brother thought it was funny to push me for no reason. i had it recently when a series of events made me doubt the esteem i held for certain friends. It's a very peculiar process too. i mean, i am friends with people for a reason. i'm done hanging around with douchebags for the sake of hanging around with.. someone. i respect my friends for all their great qualities, not all the crappy ones that i know they have. If their pros are > than their cons, they're a friend. But what if that balance tilts and all i see is the ugly? How long are you supposed to wait? How much do you just let go? Well, i let go. i know that the most recent my-friend-sucks epiphanies were a little exaggerated. There have been a lot of things in life causing me to evaluate and re-evaluate the way i deal with people. In some ways it's sad i've had to resort to cutting certain people out, but i do think it's worth giving people chances.

Which leads me to another confession of sorts with a sub-explanation. i'm going to have surgery in June to remove a growth in my face. i'll be happy. i think it's been the cause of some disorientation and nausea i've been having randomly over the last couple of weeks. It's some sort of tumor, but of course the doctor couldn't tell me what it was. Or more like sucky LabCorp (which charges you 225 dollars for them to tell you it's "inconclusive"). On a side note, LabCorp is so full of crap i can't even begin to get into it. They don't have any semblance of customer support. They only have phone numbers and the online access is crap. i hate them. i should've footnoted that. Anyway, i'll be glad when it's out. Just in time for me to study for my DATs. Huzzah. i'll keep the blogger world posted since posting that kind of stuff on Facebook seems too.... pity-mongering.

So the reason i mentioned that also within the context of this post is that maybe all that nausea and stuff has been making me a little short-tempered. i'd like to think i'm more in control of my emotions and stuff, but when you feel like the world is spinning and you're about to throw up.. you don't really feel super awesome and friendly. But yeah, the respect thing still applies though. Dynamite is still gonna blow no matter how short or long the fuse. Don't take the long fuse for granted. Wait, that makes like 75 percent sense...

So, a positively neutral post. i approve.

Behind

i'm falling behind. It's no good. There's just not enough time in the day to do all the things i need to do for school. Hmm.. actually, that'd be a lie. Let me restructure this so it's sort of honest. Ok. There's just not enough time in the day to do all the things i need to do for school and other activities i need to keep my sanity. There we go.

So i was majorly owned up from food poisoning or some nonsense (curse you, Outback Steakhouse, and your 16 oz prime rib. modest going down, horribly rancid, obviously, coming up). Also i've felt my mood swinging violently back and forth to where i'm driving and almost tearing up to where i'm laughing hysterically at nothing (like when i walked into a room). Interesting. It gets me thinking. Why am i doing this? WHY?!?! i sat in Instrumental Analysis listening to my dear professor, Dr. Tatum, lecture about reference electrodes and some other silly nonsense and i realized.. that i absolutely and completely hate my major. i mean, i can think of a million other majors i'd rather have. Ok, i lie again. i can only think of like 5. But they're all still pretty nice. i mean, i don't want to major in photography, but i'm sure i could do a passable job at it. Same with business or English (though i do hate writing papers). Or even other sciences (because the biology side has a lot more classes i could justify for being applicable to dent school). And here i am... i've been tricked! Biochemistry is just a lot of chemistry.

Anyway, so why AM i doing this? No clue. In some ways it's good because it's about time i do something that i don't want to do and stay committed. Wait.. i spent 6 years in crapsville. CRAP! So now another couple of years except now it's actually mentally challenging. Ok, this is way too "train of thought".

So at least next year i can take it a little easier. i'll be done with physics and ochem so i have biochemistry and physical chemistry and then ... some other classes recommended for dent school. So, nvm. It's never ending. Someone want to be my study buddy so i can spend most of my time complaining to you and not study? No takers?

And why am i blogging late at night? i have a test tomorrow, of course! Well, in ... 7 hours and 30 minutes to be exact.

Matthew's funeral is this weekend. i wish i could go. i remember posting about death on Xanga a long long time ago. Come to think of it i think he's the first person around my (+/- 5 years) age that i've known that's died. i don't want to sit around moping since there's death all around us if we really wanted to think about it, but it just feels so...... something. i want to be there. i'm not going to act like me being there would be so awesome or anything, but i'd be one person in a group of people that were touched by his life. A group that would reflect how much he matters. It irritates me when i hear about people not making it to funerals or wakes when they live in the same damn city. If i had more than freaking -45 dollars, then i would go. He wasn't my BFF or anything and he was more my youngest brother's age, but it's decency. God, what if it was MY brother?! i'm sure the last thing i'd be thinking about would be, "Which of his so-called friends aren't here?!", but there would be some psychological factor if no one showed. Think of it as the last freaking favor for someone that mattered and whose goals and dreams still matter. Anyway, a bit of a rage factor going on, but yeah, i dunno. Maybe i've just displaced/misplaced my issues. Matthew will be remembered. No matter what, so no point in me getting annoyed for no reason.

And so i'm rambling. Officially since a blog post about more than a couple topics can be labeled "incoherent" and "boring", but yahoo.

But seriously it's been the worst week ever. It's gotten progressively less worse i suppose. There was the bad news. Then i got sick. Then i basically screwed myself by deciding to procrastinate but also being super sick (anytime i've gotta go to the bathroom every 30 minutes and i throw up = super sick), a bunch of assignments are down the crapper, my phone died and i lost all my data (go week-old backup, boo jailbreak apps!), and then... i forgot my lab manual and i failed my lab quiz. So yeah, it wasn't my week, but it'll get better. Now i'm going to take a nap and try to see if i can remember this ochem afterwards.

Life is short.

The World has Changed

i received a call today. i was told a friend of mine had died.

To call Matthew Nam a friend is general and vague enough. i had only a few opportunities to spend with him over the last few years and we did not bond and become BFF, but he was a friend. He IS a friend.

i don't like thinking about him dying because, simply, it makes me sad and i don't like being sad. And why would i be sad when it would've been quite possible to never see him again anyway?

i'm sad because i know he was a good man. i'm sad because he was (IS) accepted into LLU's dental school starting in September and it could be said rather tritely, but accurately, that "he had his whole life ahead of him". i'm sad for his friends who are experiencing sorrow and family who are experiencing grief. i'm sad because i presumed we had our entire lives to hang out at our leisure and now it's just the world without him. And me writing a blog post about something so horrible. i'm sad the world has changed.

i'd like to think that good people go to heaven after they die. i'd like to think that they go to "sleep" for the resurrection. Any other alternatives are just so sad when you can put a face to a victim. When you can look at a picture of Matthew Nam as an honestly good man, and hope that there is a good place for him. The key being hope. And so i hope Matthew Nam rests or he's floating up there with the angels, because if this world is to ever make any sense even after it's loss then there is really no other option.

Ok ok ok, now for something different

Warning: parentheses ahead.

So i've added something new. Rock climbing. Added to the "List of cool new activities to integrate into California society". Also it's spring break so i've found myself awfully bored and feeling an intense need to burn cash to burn away my boredom. Turns out that is subject to diminished return. Something like

the formula for fun from buying : fun = (money / 2) - general malaise and boredom + activities!

So what have i gotten so far? Let's see.. water cooling system for my computer (40 degrees C while playing SC2!), a bunch of cleaning material for my bike, bike computer and biking gloves, a yoga mat (so i can get my P90X on while avoiding carpet indentations and fuzz on my sweaty skin), some new polos from Express (only 12 dollars each!), a pair of earphones, over-ear headphones, and a.. flashlight (inspired by a trip to Joshua Tree). Oh, and a membership to the rock climbing/bouldering gym.

And for activities? As mentioned, went to Joshua Tree National Park. Man, SoCal has so many parks and crap to do. Not THAT many snowboarding options, but not too shabby compared to what crap there was in the dirty south - with weakishly sauced snow/ice. Yeah, but camping was fun. i was pretty tired and a bit moody feeling towards the second day, but it wasn't a completely negative experience. The stars came out later at night and it was nice. A good start to a relatively mild week of sitting at home and reading the Dark Tower.

And so my grades came out and they're whatever. i've yet to get an A in any of my science classes (outside of labs). i've yet to get a C either, but that's not really doing it for me. i think my science GPA is sitting right at or slightly below the average for dent school, but it's only getting tougher to get in these days. All these young uppity kids with their decent study habits and their curve busting grades. Next quarter is going to be pretty rough too, so that'll be interesting. i guess there won't be any snowboarding trips to take before test days, so that's good. i'm applying to dent school this year and i've gotta study for the DATs. Yeehaw.... Read the sarcasm and lack of enthusiasm from the periods....

And i'm extremely annoyed because it's hot, my windows are open, and i can't tell if a baby is crying or cats are getting it on.

But yeah, i'm content. i'm trying to be more healthy. i'm not really healthy in my diet yet (as my dinner at Claim Jumpers was pretty much an injection of fat and starch into my heart, butt, and gut), but i've realized i don't mind getting out and doing stuff. i may sleep a lot, but i also feel a need to get out and do stuff. Work my chubby flab and bow-legs. Especially after being at the rock climbing gym and realizing how much my own body works against me, though it'd be awesome now for doing cannonballs or floating around in a pool (pros which look pathetic against the large list of cons). i'd be f'ing f'ed if i were required to save myself by climbing. Yeah, a very low chance where climbing could save me, but say i was running away from a bear or a pack of jackals and given a snowboard and some snow, or a mountain bike and a moderately intermediate downhill, i'd know i'd stand a chance of evasion. But give me a large boulder to climb over and i'd be doomed. i'd grasp desperately for a grip with my puny arms and hands and be eaten alive. So while slightly impractical in rationalizing it into practicality, i'll just say that i'm learning it to get a way to exercise and develop muscles without actually lifting weights at a boring regular gym.

Anyway, of course the baby/horny cat decides to stop when it's cool enough to actually shut the window.

Blogging while Angry!

Don't do it!

Anyway, i'm done for the quarter. Geez, this quarter system runs me ragged. i can't believe i have another 3 months left. Blergh. And it's got tons of science though i am taking a photography class so hope that breaks up the frustration i'm bound to feel from studying for my DATs, last quarter of ochem (with an ACS final!) and physics, and instrumental chemistry class. Rockin'!

But it's spring break. This post is going for "informative" and "obvious", rather than "insightful". Let's try to add something interesting...

Ooh, well, i went mountain biking, fell off my bike like a grandma, and i have this huge scab on my left forearm. It looks... beefy. Beef jerky. i have to wear long sleeves because i don't want to gross people out which totally sucks because it's like a 100 degrees outside in the afternoon. Spring has sprung into summer. Not looking forward to a Loma Linda desert summer.

But i've been working on building my patience back up. i've been feeling annoyed a lot lately with random things. Is it normal to imagine violent resolutions? i usually justify not exploding because: 1). violence usually doesn't work out into a favorable result (e.g. used to hit my bros a lot and it didn't turn out well), 2). i don't usually think of doing it quickly enough so it would just seem too much of a grudge if i punched someone a week later, and 3). it could end up backfiring and i could get pounded. So yeah, i think i'm just stressin'. i should come up with some good coping methods. Or maybe i should make eating. If i get fat(ter), then i'm really only hurting myself without dealing with the stigma of (direct) self-mutilation while also avoiding lashing out at others! Hurray!

Is it gay to want to learn how to ballroom dance? i need it to be a well-rounded spy.

I am Me

i wonder what it is that feeling of aversion to being told what to do. i guess that feeling is closely related to the "don't act like you know what i'll do" feeling. All about the "do". Like i've been in some situations lately where i try to be objective and think beyond that initial feeling of rebelling against doing what i'm told. Like ask the usual questions, "is the demand/request reasonable?", "are there any emotional considerations on the part of the individuals?", blah blah. Anyway, so i try, but sometimes i just wanna do something else!

i mean, is it being stubborn if you buck a trend because you sincerely believe in the alternative ways of doing something? i'm not saying hippies are always right or wrong, but even they've gotta be right sometimes. (save the whales, yes. pour paint on people wearing fur, no.) There will always be those that love a pair of shoes until they realize a whole lot of other people like those shoes... then they'll hate those shoes. But what if they genuinely are just "over" those shoes. Man, my analogies are really weak today (or.. everyday).

So, yeah, back to my point. Well, there is no point. i guess writing a blog while riding on a wave of frustration leads to a fairly incoherent flow... Oh well.... For example, i won't say i'm a pinnacle of achievement... (or a pile of crap, to be self-deprecating), but i'm doing what i'm doing to get to where i want to be. Sure, it's not with extreme zeal and pleasure, but who goes to school thinking like that? i'm going to school because i want to, but i'm not going to act like it's my only reason for existence. i have other things i enjoy and want to do. i don't like people sitting and thinking they "know" me when they have no idea where or how the sum of the 27 years of life experiences (gasp! old alert) have led me to where i am today. i'm not saying i'm all wizened to the world or some experienced sage, but i've been around a few slutty, mind-numbing, soul-rending blocks and so i might want to take life at a nice steady pace....

Bleh, this post is vague. There was some potential to be a nice analysis on people who hate the trend because of it being a trend, but RAGEEEEE

Spring?

So, all these flowers i see all over campus inspired me to get a macro lens. i can't say i'm utilizing it to the max yet, but working on it. Also one of my favorite flowers went away by the time i got it in the mail so that made me sad.

And.. yeah, i am having some difficulty arranging them in a nice way, so all jumbled up is what blogger gets.

Jazzercise

My mom is a woman of random kicks. Not cool shoes. i guess i should've said "interests" instead. So i didn't have to waste a few sentences clarifying..... i won't go back!

So, through my life she's always gotten it into her head to do something. For example, in rough chronological order: cutting hair (which i hated the most because bowl cuts suck), Yanni, Mario Brothers on the NES after the NES wasn't cool, arranging fake flowers, making custom frames, Othello (the video game), Minesweeper on Windows 3.1, the Internet, chatrooms, (big gap from not being around her for 6 years), Bejeweled Blitz.

Anyway, there's a lot more than that. i just can't remember it all right now. But i remember one of them was workout videos. She bought so many different work out videos when i was a kid and she probably watched one of them completely about zero times. But the pile would grow. There was Jazzercise. There was something about Jane Fonda. There was just a lot of weird ladies in spandex and colors and zebra stripes. Anyway, i always thought my mom was crazy until i realized i'm pretty much the same way except my stuff runs more expensive... which is worse!

Lately i've been on this kick of trying to enjoy all that California has to offer as mentioned previously and i've finally purchased a new mountain bike. DP and i are planning on doing Muddy Buddy. Running through mud and stuff. Too bad it's at the end of the month and i'm definitely not in shape. i've gotten steadily rounder and pudgier over the last few years towards the end of the AF thing where i realized i didn't care about getting better than the bare minimum on my fitness tests to now where i eat like i'm afraid the world will run out of food so i'm cameling the hump in my food baby belly. Run-on! So i want to get in shape. i plan on biking a lot since i spent a decent amount on that bike. And i need to do a lot more cardio since i'd probably improve myself the most from losing fat than i would from building muscle. Uh, workout plans make for some boring blogging material.

Anyway, i'm pretty excited about the course. i'm sure it'll be rough for my flabby body, but it should be entertaining. i also got a new snowboard because they were having a sale, but too bad it won't get here in time for tomorrow when i go! Weee! i love California!

And now i feel bad because i don't call my mom enough. She's been probably the best parent i could ever ask for. My dad is cool and all, but he's been pretty non-existent lately.

It's hard to say how i feel about that. Even when i worked for him back in Georgia, i didn't feel like we connected. When i was gone for 6 years, we probably talked about a couple dozen times and he remembered half my birthdays (or forgot half if i want to see it half-empty). i guess that's just what i'm used to with him. This is our relationship. In contrast, my mom would always call first if we hadn't talked in a while and see if i was doing well. She came a couple times to make me food to freeze and buy me the basics that i'd never though about. i mean, what single guy in his first apartment needs a dining table? Not i, but my mom got me one anyway. i guess it's just how it is. i sometimes wonder if i should do more to improve our relationship where we're like best friends and we go play golf together.... but that's just not me. i'm 100 percent a reciprocator. i respond. So, yeah, maybe i can work on that later. Frankly, whether people are parents or friends or acquaintances, i talk to whomever wants to talk to me.

Ok, this got mighty defensive. Like.. where was the affection? i don't need it! Who held me when i cried? Crying is for babies! Haha, anyway, spring is springing and i really wish i had a macro lens to capture the pretty flowers sprouting up all over. Flowers are too tiny for my portraits.

California Games

Back in the day there was this cheesy stupid video game called "California Games". It wasn't really that great, but it was one of those compilation video games that have a bunch of little activities. Like skateboarding, and.. *looks it up in wikipedia*.. roller skating, and other "Cali" games....

Anyway, the point is that one of the great perks of living in California is all the outdoor activities i couldn't do in Georgia or Texas. For example, in my first 3 months in California, i went to the beach to go surfing, went to a few mountains to go snowboarding a few times, and rode ATVs with my cousins and uncle. So much activities! So i've been looking into getting a mountain bike and new snowboard.

Wait, what was the point of this post? It's late and i've got physics on the brain.... Anyway, i've gotta buckle down for the sprint to the end of the quarter. It's sad that the only class i'm doing well in is a stinking humanities class and all my science classes are not so awesome. Next quarter is supposed to be worse since i'll be in 3 sciences with 3 labs and i'll have to be studying for my DATs too. i've realized that we HAVE time. Or at least i do. i mean, i don't work so there's all that time right there, but i don't use what time i have to study. Why!?! i can spend hours reading about some old book about a guy's ruminations about being a 20-something, but i can't sit and read my text book for 15 mins. Hrmm... i wonder. i guess it's good that i don't have a beta key to Starcraft 2...

Meandering... i hope i read these posts in 10 years as a successful dentist driving a Subaru Legacy 3.6R Limited (or 2020 equivalent vehicle) with a bike and snowboard rack for my Specialized Stumpjumper FSR and Burton Custom V-Rocker. Anyway, who's to say i'm not happy just because i want other things. Happiness does not mean your wants go away. It just means you're happy. They're not mutually exclusive. For me it just means i'm bored. i need diversions. i should study.

Photog/Snow Blog

i like hobbies that i can analyze with science. i mean, not to say i get all super technical and geeked out, but let me spotlight how i view two of my more favorite activities. Snowboarding and photography.

So there's snowboarding: i look at snowboarding with my very rudimentary knowledge of physics. i try to plot jumps based on trajectory to ease the downward force of landing. i carve the mountain while thinking of what motions and movements i can and can't do to fall on my face. i use my observations about the surface (powder, slush, or the dreaded ice..) to figure out what i should and definitely shouldn't do to avoid destroying myself. i calculate the time of runs and estimate lift times to find out how many runs i can get in before closing time. i can't say i process all these factors like some super computer tracking weather patterns of the world, but more like a LeapFrog computer teaches math to grade schoolers.

Well, not quite THAT dumb, but closer to that than the supercomputer unfortunately. And it's more entertaining that way. The subtle improvements i can make with my mind and current body far outweigh any of the improvements i am willing to make by toning my body for snowboarding. Or i'm just lazy.

And with photography. i wish i wish i wish that i could view that hobby with more artistic flare, but alas that is not how i view it. i like sharp pictures. i like clarity and manipulating bokeh. i suppose i'm working on my angles and point of view, but mostly it's the science of the camera that draws me in. The technology at minimizing noise at higher ISO. The image stabilization of the better lenses along with a beautifully fast, low aperture... those are what i like. The movie capabilities of newer digital SLRs. Perhaps it's akin to a fan of NASCAR marveling at the power of the cars instead of actually caring about driving the car or winning the race... or i'm reaching for loose analogies. But yeah, i like to say i'm more a documentary-style picture taker. A very straightforward "this is what happened" and "this is what people looked like". So yeah, i'd be a crappy wedding photographer. Plus i get super sweaty for some reason when i'm under pressure and taking photos. It's gross.

So, yeah, i wish i could view these hobbies with a more even methodology. A way to mix the art with the science; but i guess that's just not the way it works (fragment + semi-colon = awesome). In a lot of ways, it's ok though. i like looking at other peoples' great pictures and enjoying them for what they are. Sure, i can think of the technical aspects (PHOTOSHOP!) about a person's pictures or the mechanics of a snowboard trick, but in the end.. they did what i couldn't do and i can honestly say i'm glad for it. The world would be a crappy place if it were based on my limitations.

p.s. not to say i'm crappy, because i'm totally awesome. just saying that i'd have no room to grow because i'd be the king! mwah ah hahaha. Time to catch up on the Office!

Stuffers

I'm sorry, but a gourmet burger is still just a burger. i don't know who came up with that idea, but they should be commended and shot. i mean, good job... i guess you make your burger sound more fancy, but i know the reality. You're adding like 3 dollars worth of ingredients and garlic salt and charging 7 dollars more.

Oh well, i'm over that. Also on the list of overpriced food... Olive Garden. How can pasta ever cost 12 bucks? The pasta probably costs 50 cents and their sauce doesn't even have much meat or anything (maybe it's laced with gold or drugs... then maybe i'd understand). That's just wrong. And what's with their ever-decreasing portions? The Tour of Italy used to be a force to be reckoned with.. and now it's basically a "generic Italian food" sampler.

Anyway, i have to write a paper, hence i'm blogging.

i don't know what it is about times like these... but i've been reflecting a lot on the past and i remember cutting a lot of people out of my life. Mostly unintentionally because i'm a crappy friend, but it's like.. there's no time to stay connected! Everyone's everywhere and it's impossible to stay in contact. i suppose i should try more. i feel like i could go years without talking to somebody and, as long as i was still on good terms with them, i would have no problem chatting it up. i recently spoke to someone i haven't spoken to in a while and a veritable.. tidal wave of past memories came sweeping over me. i remember why we slowly stopped talking and it was in my own shame that i kept from trying to stay in contact. So no more! Not exactly a New Year's resolution, but just one of those resolutions i don't ever want to forget.

School, work, school/work, school.

Why does it feel like i only have two options in my life?

i can either work or i can go to school.

That's it!!!! AHHH!

i suppose it's a bit unreasonable to expect to get paid to do something i enjoy. Like getting paid to sleep and watch favorite TV shows... or snowboarding.. or taking pictures. Yeah, yeah, there's professional sports and photography, but i'm no Shaun White or... Ansel Adams. i just enjoy doing that stuff. So prove me wrong by paying me to crash and burn on mini-jumps or to take blurry pictures of your cat.

Similar concepts: Everything that tastes good isn't particularly good for you. Flying to space will cost you 20 million dollars.

Imagining everything going well with all my future plans, my happiness wouldn't be in my completion of dent school. It would be in the relationships and friendships i've made. Seriously, i mean, why would anyone say anything different? Maybe robots. Not saying i'm all hyper-emotional, but i've gotten all kinds of trinkets and gadgets for myself and it doesn't make me all that happy. i would say i feel temporarily... sated. Should i find happiness in personal accomplishments though? Would thinking that way motivate me to accomplish my goals with more gusto? Probably, but that's kind of against my personal statement. What is my personal statement? (echo.. echo....) Well, i know it's not finding satisfaction in personal accomplishments. In fact, i find that the more acknowledgement and rewards i received in the AF, the less and less i did. Sure, i felt a subtle pride on occasion, but this only made me feel worse about myself when i'd evaluate my emotions. So please don't compliment me. It leads me onto a path of self-destruction. i'm emo.

So what's the point....?

But yeah, the root of all this is money. Evil! i don't mind school except the fact i have to pay for it and all the other things i have to pay for while there's less income than if i were working. And working isn't so bad, but it's kind of the anti-school... You make money, but you don't learn too much. Except how all the people in your office are annoying or how mundane your life has become with all conversation revolving around American Idol, weather, and/or traffic.

Anyway, i'm just bummed because i find that i'd rather blog about pointless things than study. i've got my DATs coming up soon and if i want to get my app in early i've gotta take it earlier... so i'm aiming for late June. Yay. Only 5-6 years til i can transition from this school thing to the work thing again. At least i can theoretically get more money so i can buy myself more expensive things. Yay.....

The iPad is the Future

Let me begin with some background.
i'm a man of two worlds. A world of Mac and PC. Each brings function and ease to my life in specific ways. The PC give me the productivity and compatibility. Apple gives me entertainment and the user experience unique to Apple.

Apple products, to me, have a usefulness over their simplistic coolness. It's.. tech chic, but also brings a lot of functionality in a simple concept. An iPod is not a particularly sexy device, but it packages the an mp3 player into a nice pretty package with intuitive design which has resulted in its ubiquitous nature despite the fact it is often pricier and comes with less features than competitors.

And though the iPhone has lost a bit of its unique luster over the past few years with all the touchscreen copy cats, without the iPhone's debut a few years ago i doubt the smartphone industry would've expanded out of the rut that was Blackberry.

With that said, i believe the iPad is the future. A claim, part grandiose-part obvious, which makes sense when looking at the recent past of "computing". Tablet PCs have been an overpriced, niche field of computing that has been more of a curiosity without proper implementation because no one really wants one and no company would devote time/energy into developing something incredibly useful for such few users.

What the iPad brings to the mainstream consciousness is not a tablet PC, but something that transcends the concept (or to hardcore nerds something that's just pretentiously inadequate to be labeled a computer). It is a product that - with the most basic physical level of interaction, touch - allows for the use of many tools. A toolbox of computer gadgetry containing the apps (or tools, sticking with the analogy) to accomplish many tasks. In a practical sense, there have been many times the iPhone has kept me entertained and in many of those cases.. bigger would've been better (a bigger screen anyway). Email, maps, and web surfing are just a few of the major uses i have for my iPhone. All of those would benefit from faster processing and larger real estate. The iPhone wasn't initially a workhorse of productive business. It couldn't. Mail clients weren't entirely secure. The Blackberry system was hardwired into the business consciousness and iPhones are still making ground, but the iPad is the next step. i can imagine many, many uses outside of the few packaged programs demonstrated during the Apple keynote.

Now, i'm not talking about playing Bejeweled Blitz on a 10" screen (though that'd be nice). I see a lot of industries being able to use the iPad in day-to-day operations with the proper apps. Take a real estate agent who can pull up information on a listing from their iPad and show clients different houses quickly through the interface. Or take those insurance adjusters who go around recording damage and getting estimates while they're on the road. Or doctors who can look up information quickly through a secure hospital network, pulling up more concise information quicker than before. There are endless uses for a device like the iPad and the strength is a combination of the ease and familiarity of use (who doesn't know how to use an iPod touch/iPhone?) and the development of the right apps, the iPad will be everywhere and deservedly so.

This is mostly wishful thinking. i'm not really rooting for just the iPad, but devices like this that redefine what we know about personal computing. In my simple lifetime of computers, i've started from using just keyboards and command-line/menu-driven user interfaces to ones driven by touch and that's pretty amazing when you think about it. i've gone from dialing up with AOL and waiting a million years and getting disconnected by call-waiting to surfing the net on my phone waiting for my lab to start. So while my expectations are high, that is to be expected considering the leaps and bounds we've made even with cynical criticisms made before even handling a product.

But yeah, i'm still bummed the iPad won't have a camera. Being able to video Skype would be pretty awesome. Also the storage options are pretty weak, but yeah... There are products out there that have a touch screen and a single function that the iPad could easily replace. Take for instance the Logitech touchscreen remote control.

This thing has a 3.5 inch screen (iPhone sized) and costs $400.

Or how about the comparably sized Amazon Kindle DX (~$489) or the B&N Nook (6" screen, ~$280). Two pretty good e-book readers with grayscale screens.

They are good at what they do, but for the same price or a little more you get more features. The one plus for these readers is that the screen is especially good to read on and the connection to download products is free and integrated in all readers, but for the iPad you have to either be connected on Wi-fi or have the 3G version and a monthly plan.

With all that said... the iPad is the future.

Anyway, this post was a nerd-fest.