Greets

So, let's see.  i want to post more random musings, but they're not all that random.  They're thoughts that start me on a blog so it's not like i just sat here and came up with all this fun stuff to blog about. 

You hear about the satellites colliding and raining debris?  Well, i think aliens did it to cover up their entry.  Though if aliens are smart enough to have intergalactic travel (undetected as far as i know, though this could just be a government conspiracy) then i doubt they need to set up a satellite collision to enter the atmosphere as a "burning debris".  Ok, my theory sucks.

There's a lot of pressure on me to succeed.  Do well and burn brightly.  i don't really have a problem with doing well (the concept), but i do have a problem with doing well (quality of work).  i feel like i care, but then i can rationalize why it's ok to procrastinate.  And when i say "rationalize", i'm not saying that it would really be a rational argument to anyone else except myself temporally in the short term.  But that's the beauty of convincing yourself of anything.  Whether it be that you're right or that others are wrong even if the evidence in your mind is paper-thin.  Maybe it's some vague memory from a sentence in a Wikipedia entry somewhere.  But with succeeding, comes this strange counter-pressure to do poorly so others will leave me alone.

i remember being a kid and taking pride in my parents' boast of my school achievements and grades.  Then as i grew older and more self-aware, i came to a point where i no longer really understood why i did what i did.  Did i get good grades for the 20 dollar reward i'd receive?  (that only happened twice randomly)  Did i do it so my parents would applaud me?  (i don't remember them ever really congratulating me unless it was through them telling others so they'd do it for them)  i didn't know why and so i stopped trying.  i developed my obscene love for sleep.  i honed my skills in procrastination and doing the minimum to get by.  My high school GPA fell sharply.  i didn't care.

i wish i hadn't been so short-sighted and i wonder where my life would have led if i had been more motivated.  Frankly, being selfishly motivated is pretty much the only way to really get by in the world.  If you don't care about your future, no one else will.  They'll care about the consequences of your actions, sure, but that doesn't mean they'll hold your hand and guide you all along the way.

just kidding

i'm not done.

i'm not feeling right with the world. i look back at the formative 6 years i spent in the Air Force as a very helpful experience. Not career-wise because i was doing the most boring jobs on earth, but because of the social aspect of it. Not to say it's so different at the core because people are generally all the same. Ok, this is all vague and round-about. Let's just say that it was good to see what the "real world" was like for a while. A life where you go to work, socialize, and then you sleep. Rinse, repeat. It's not an unpleasant life, but it's not really one infused with meaning. Maybe some people in the military really get a kick out of it and feel like they're doing something, but i felt like those types were just delusional. If you're a marine in Iraq, you're just killing people. If you're in the Navy, then you're just riding a boat. So on and so forth.
Which leads to the question, "What is the point?" Is there really one reason or meaning for life? Do i have to justify my existence? Does a homeless man have any less of a reason to exist than a corporate CEO? What's the measure of worth? Money? Social life?

Is depression justified when there's a genuine lack of purpose or just feeling like there is no purpose? So then is it entirely mental? Well, this is all very juvenile. It's like when we're having discussions in my World Literature class. i feel that we delve a bit deeper than some of the authors' original intents. Sometimes a story is just a story and not some analogy for something deeper. We look at how an action could be construed negatively rather than assuming that the action has no general relevance at all.

Whatevs. i'm tired. My purpose in life is to do things that make me happy. i've pretty much given up on trying to figure out how God and my religion fit into things. i used to believe that my religion was some reflection of the SDA standard, but now i don't even know if i could say that. Maybe... a reflection of a shadow... at high noon. It's wrong to judge based on all the people of the faith, but how could i not use them as an example. Why are there basically only 2 types of people. Jesus and sinners. And within the group, "sinners", there are those that try and then there are those that don't. And i really don't see any difference in the actions. If anything the ones who try are the ones who are obviously more hypocritical and fake. So why be one of them? Why can't i just do what i think is good? In fact, i can. So i will.

Again.. this is all very childish. Mostly because i can't really explain myself, but maybe someday i'll get better at it. i'm just trying to be practical here. Maybe some inflections of cynicism, but i think it's all fairly realistic. It's not like i am only thinking negative. i still think the best of people, but why do i have to be surprised if i am betrayed? i know humans are flawed so why are the people in my life any different? Does my light-hearted reaction to backstabbery (a real word) mean i don't care about the betrayal or does it maybe mean that those actions met my expectations of the human condition?

Ok, well, on the less... philisophical side of things, life is good. i'm a Biochemistry major now since Chemistry required the calc-based physics and i really didn't feel like doing it. But i'm about halfway done with my major requirements and i'm 90 percent done with my general education requirements. So... yeah, life is whatever. Life throws me lemons and i sleep.

In times of great emo-ness

So, i'm blogging. Yay. It's sad to see that most blogs have fallen by the wayside. And that's all. Good night.