Behind

i'm falling behind. It's no good. There's just not enough time in the day to do all the things i need to do for school. Hmm.. actually, that'd be a lie. Let me restructure this so it's sort of honest. Ok. There's just not enough time in the day to do all the things i need to do for school and other activities i need to keep my sanity. There we go.

So i was majorly owned up from food poisoning or some nonsense (curse you, Outback Steakhouse, and your 16 oz prime rib. modest going down, horribly rancid, obviously, coming up). Also i've felt my mood swinging violently back and forth to where i'm driving and almost tearing up to where i'm laughing hysterically at nothing (like when i walked into a room). Interesting. It gets me thinking. Why am i doing this? WHY?!?! i sat in Instrumental Analysis listening to my dear professor, Dr. Tatum, lecture about reference electrodes and some other silly nonsense and i realized.. that i absolutely and completely hate my major. i mean, i can think of a million other majors i'd rather have. Ok, i lie again. i can only think of like 5. But they're all still pretty nice. i mean, i don't want to major in photography, but i'm sure i could do a passable job at it. Same with business or English (though i do hate writing papers). Or even other sciences (because the biology side has a lot more classes i could justify for being applicable to dent school). And here i am... i've been tricked! Biochemistry is just a lot of chemistry.

Anyway, so why AM i doing this? No clue. In some ways it's good because it's about time i do something that i don't want to do and stay committed. Wait.. i spent 6 years in crapsville. CRAP! So now another couple of years except now it's actually mentally challenging. Ok, this is way too "train of thought".

So at least next year i can take it a little easier. i'll be done with physics and ochem so i have biochemistry and physical chemistry and then ... some other classes recommended for dent school. So, nvm. It's never ending. Someone want to be my study buddy so i can spend most of my time complaining to you and not study? No takers?

And why am i blogging late at night? i have a test tomorrow, of course! Well, in ... 7 hours and 30 minutes to be exact.

Matthew's funeral is this weekend. i wish i could go. i remember posting about death on Xanga a long long time ago. Come to think of it i think he's the first person around my (+/- 5 years) age that i've known that's died. i don't want to sit around moping since there's death all around us if we really wanted to think about it, but it just feels so...... something. i want to be there. i'm not going to act like me being there would be so awesome or anything, but i'd be one person in a group of people that were touched by his life. A group that would reflect how much he matters. It irritates me when i hear about people not making it to funerals or wakes when they live in the same damn city. If i had more than freaking -45 dollars, then i would go. He wasn't my BFF or anything and he was more my youngest brother's age, but it's decency. God, what if it was MY brother?! i'm sure the last thing i'd be thinking about would be, "Which of his so-called friends aren't here?!", but there would be some psychological factor if no one showed. Think of it as the last freaking favor for someone that mattered and whose goals and dreams still matter. Anyway, a bit of a rage factor going on, but yeah, i dunno. Maybe i've just displaced/misplaced my issues. Matthew will be remembered. No matter what, so no point in me getting annoyed for no reason.

And so i'm rambling. Officially since a blog post about more than a couple topics can be labeled "incoherent" and "boring", but yahoo.

But seriously it's been the worst week ever. It's gotten progressively less worse i suppose. There was the bad news. Then i got sick. Then i basically screwed myself by deciding to procrastinate but also being super sick (anytime i've gotta go to the bathroom every 30 minutes and i throw up = super sick), a bunch of assignments are down the crapper, my phone died and i lost all my data (go week-old backup, boo jailbreak apps!), and then... i forgot my lab manual and i failed my lab quiz. So yeah, it wasn't my week, but it'll get better. Now i'm going to take a nap and try to see if i can remember this ochem afterwards.

Life is short.

The World has Changed

i received a call today. i was told a friend of mine had died.

To call Matthew Nam a friend is general and vague enough. i had only a few opportunities to spend with him over the last few years and we did not bond and become BFF, but he was a friend. He IS a friend.

i don't like thinking about him dying because, simply, it makes me sad and i don't like being sad. And why would i be sad when it would've been quite possible to never see him again anyway?

i'm sad because i know he was a good man. i'm sad because he was (IS) accepted into LLU's dental school starting in September and it could be said rather tritely, but accurately, that "he had his whole life ahead of him". i'm sad for his friends who are experiencing sorrow and family who are experiencing grief. i'm sad because i presumed we had our entire lives to hang out at our leisure and now it's just the world without him. And me writing a blog post about something so horrible. i'm sad the world has changed.

i'd like to think that good people go to heaven after they die. i'd like to think that they go to "sleep" for the resurrection. Any other alternatives are just so sad when you can put a face to a victim. When you can look at a picture of Matthew Nam as an honestly good man, and hope that there is a good place for him. The key being hope. And so i hope Matthew Nam rests or he's floating up there with the angels, because if this world is to ever make any sense even after it's loss then there is really no other option.