My First Quarter Finale

So it's finals week.. or should i say, finals.. days? Have two days of finals. So it's quite short of a week.

Man, this quarter has been especially rough. A lot of mini-stresses add up to be quite troublesome. In times like these you can't help but think about what it would be like if things had been different. i don't regret my decision to move to California (if my grades pan out to at least a passing C and i eventually get money from the VA). But i can't help but think of how much money i'd have/save if i was still in GA. Plus my grades wouldn't suck as bad since i love the semester system and public university is probably a tad bit easier. All these robot kids are young and smart and actually WANT to do well. The Koreans in my analytical chemistry class don't appear to be doing that well though. Interesting....

But yeah, i guess 3 sciences was a mistake. At least.. taking this one pseudo-upper division chemistry class along with my other two was a mistake. If i wasn't already vaguely familiar with organic chemistry then i probably would be doing a lot worse in my classes. Talking about grades is boring. And depressing...

So what else is there... nothing! i'm just going to school. i guess i'll get back to why i'm glad i'm in California. i can have my sunny, green pastures on this side instead of looking wistfully over the fence especially since i know it might look tempting in Georgia.. but Cali is for me. i mean, i've been here about... 3 months now and i've already been surfing, snowboarding, and tennis'ing. i've met a large group of new people (for better or worse, yay... more facebook friends..... better AND worse). Also reconnecting with the few people that were already out here that i'd known from before. Though it's kind of amazing how little i see of certain people. Proof that you can live in Loma Linda and never see the masses of Koreans from the east cost. Also fitting into the "good and bad" category. Considering i've also been living on a quickly diminishing bank account and all the other things mentioned in the above, it's not so bad at all. i'm glad i'm out here. (And i'm not just saying that to constantly reinforce that idea into my head because it really sucks out here)

i'm definitely ready for the break though. i like learning, but my brain has become the old, tired sponge that people use to clean the counters instead of their dishes. Or maybe.. toilets? i don't want to use it as an excuse, but it's definitely tiring when you see all these young rascals tearing it up and you just stare lazily off into space thinking of the good ole days when you used to tear it up. Well, i foresee a large amount of school ahead, so i guess as long as it gets done it doesn't really matter.

i just hope LLU accepts me for the med tech program -> dent program. The clinical lab science BS program doesn't seem too difficult to get into, but you can never be too certain. i've got a fairly decent science GPA. Higher than my overall GPA, actually (stupid F in music..). But still... this means.. at LEAST 6 more years of school... Hey! That's like the amount of time i spent in the AF. So... awesome.

Ok, back to studying. Or daydreaming.

T-minus 5 hours and 19 minutes until T-day

Why don't they call Christmas.. C-day? V-day, T-day, B-days..... i guess X-mas will have to suffice.

So, blogs! What ever happened to the blogging era? i mean, i guess it is a bit... self-indulgent. Who has the time to write down their thoughts and isn't it also a bit presumptuous to believe people care enough to spend time reading them? Answers? Everyone, and no!

It's Thanksgiving. i'm used to spending turkey days low-key or alone, but supposedly my uncle is coming down from central California to the area so i'll meet up with him i guess.

Writing that paragraph above made me think of a Thanksgiving two years ago. At the time i knew i was getting out of the Air Force a few months later, and so it was a bit bittersweet since i knew i'd be leaving all these people i'd grown close to through work and the hell that was (think: carbon under immense pressure/temp to become...). And i knew that with the way things usually work out, i would likely never see them again. And (roughly) two years later, i haven't seen most of them since. i saw a few people when i drove through San Antonio on the way to California....

Regardless, Thanksgiving is good. Not so i can be given a day set aside to remember what i'm thankful for. Those moments tend to occur everyday like "i'm thankful that i'm not failing my classes". Thanksgiving is good because it ends up creating the moments for which i'm thankful (didn't want to end two sentences with prepositions)... Like that Thanksgiving two years ago... i knew it was my last one with them and i was still happy to be able to enjoy a day of not working and hanging out with them. Lots of laughs, good food, great friends.

Which leads me to the subject of friendship. i don't talk to many of my friends regularly. Random facebook comments are probably the closest it gets to regular conversation. Infrequent and impersonal, they may be.. but i really don't feel that i need to talk to them a lot in order to remain.. amicable. Or should i say, they don't need to talk to me in order for me to maintain our friendship. i "friend" for life. Sure, it might get awkward to keep a conversation flowing with my "tweet-like" mind which involves responses with less than 40 characters, but if they're cool with it then we're going to be ok. Heck, i don't even talk to my mom more than 1 or 2 times a month, so that should say something.

Strange, considering i still don't consider myself independent. i still feel like i'm in the bubble. Even after 6 years of being away from home in the military, working, getting paid, paying all sorts of utility bills, cooking, cleaning, sleeping... all by my lonesome, and i still feel like i'm attached at the belly button. i guess it's less an umbilical cord than it is a safety net. With all my family around and never being in any serious mortal danger and with a relatively flippant regard for life in general, i suppose i feel safe. i'm cozy. i'm well-fed (as apparent in my progressively tighter pants). So, i'm not independent. i assume i'll never be. How can i be when my life is so intertwined (especially with those i actually care about in the SDA community)? Someday i'll take on a family and we'll just be co-dependent. And i'm ok with that. More of a grudging acceptance of reality than one of ecstatic embrace.

So it's T(o)-day and it's a good day. i may or may not eat turkey (or tofurkey or dinner roast), but it's not about the food. It's about the people, yo. And that's something i will ecstatically embrace.

T-minus 12 days and counting...

Hmm.. i'm actually looking forward to leaving. The Veterans Affairs office is taking it's sweet, slow time in sending me an approval letter, but i don't care. i'm out of here. This could all turn out to be a very painful experience, but i just want to leave.

i never thought i'd be in such a hurry to leave GA. i think i've mentioned before that coming back to GA was a dream come true... but i guess the grass is always greener. Cali is definitely browner... Lame.. i think i'll actually miss my family and friends, but i guess that can't be helped. Everytime i move anywhere i'll miss someone. The point is that i need to do what's best for me. Going to the Air Force was best (staying for as long as i did.. was not). Getting out of the Air Force was best. Now going to California is what's best (or at least that's what i hope).

It's strange because someone told me that all the Marietta guys are known for sucking. Not doing anything with their lives. It's sad to hear that for a couple reasons. First of all, the fact that people would actually say that. Second of all, it sucks because it's seemingly true. Third of all, i'm Marietta. i guess i should've taken more pictures at work in the Air Force and posted fancy pictures of me with generals and crap. i guess we're not all doctors, so whatever. It's just pretty gay that people say that kind of crap and make generalizations. i don't judge all those newbs that redo their first year at med school 2-3 times. Or those that fail to get into dent school. Or.. whatever. Live your own life.

Hmm.. rant. But i guess i'm a bit defensive because it's not really good enough to be a good guy. You can be well-rounded, but really they just want you to be making money. Sheesh, and all this stemming from a community based on acceptance and godliness. Oh, crap, re-ranting...

i guess i'm feeding the system if i do what i want to do.

i'm going to Billy Chung's to get my lump checked out. People say it's getting bigger, so i should at least get it looked at by a pro. Don't think it's a big deal, but a gigantic tumor on my head would probably be somewhat distracting.

My last Saturday at MKAY is coming up. i feel almost nothing. No sense of nostalgia crawling up at me since the last year has shown me that there's nothing left to hold on to. So sad. A bit cynical, but even with all the pictures and activities and participation... i feel nada. i guess the age gap is a bit too big for me to feel anything except relief. i mean, they're good kids, but they're not .. my kids.

So, yeah, ready to go! Haven't packed yet, but i'm still ready.

Dear World

i'm going to California. It's set. The balance sheet looks a little too red, but I think it's about time I jump out of my little bubble. It helps that my bubble is filled with a bunch of dudes and little kids so it makes the outside look really welcoming.... That sounds gay and pedophilic....

Anyway, let's just say it helps that I'm ready to go. Ready to go and let go. MKAY was great, but the awesomeness I remember will never return. Maybe the younger kids can create their own fond memories. For me it's just a pale comparison. I'll miss the few people left in GA, but I'm basically getting too old for this. Like.. literally.

So off I go. To those inclined to read the details: I'm going to La Sierra University. It's going to cost a mint. I'm going to live as frugally as possible which will be hard having lived all cush without paying rent and making 3k a month being a student and delivering. In hindsight.. maybe I should've saved a little. Regardless, it'll be interesting. Hopefully I can survive. The shame of returning degree-less will keep me from failing. Or at least I hope so. I have no idea where I'm going to live right now. I'm taking nothing except whatever else fits in the trusty ole' RSX hatchback outside of clothes, a snowboard, and my tennis racquet. Driving solo across the country will be a pain, but it shouldn't be too bad.

I don't want to say it's my destiny to attend an SDA school. Frankly, i would've gladly attended UC Riverside. Too bad their application deadline was in March and I only started looking at schools in Cali in June. Was this God's plan? We'll see. At La Sierra, they make you sign up for a Bible class and schedule you for weekly worship. I signed up for Old Testament Archaeology. That's going to be interesting. I don't want to say that my faith is suffering. It's pretty much non-existent. At least by any SDA measure. Maybe all these science classes are getting to my head, but for some reason my life doesn't seem like it's been influenced by any supernatural force. It's all very.. logical. I hope I'm wrong about all the God stuff. I hope for the Sunday law. I hope for the Second Coming, but do I really really believe it..? Do I have the fear of eternal damnation driving me into obedience? Nope. I think that the way I run my life right now is still better than most Christians. How self-righteous. I can have morality without religion. I can have compassion without acknowledging Christian ideals. I can be honest without worrying about burning in hell due to lies. I don't want to pray in hopes that there's a god. I want to pray because I honestly believe in God. So... we'll see. I'm not waiting to see. I just want to see. I don't even really mind in the long run if there is a God or Allah or Buddah. I'm just glad enough people believe in that stuff to keep from killing each other. Sure, there are zealots, crusaders, and suicide bombers, but I'd rather the many control themselves under the fear of hell than there to be no religion and everyone living by some random code or purely under government.

This post is basically a rehash of the previous post, but it's good to see that I'm finally doing it. I set a goal and I'm accomplishing it. Look at me! Now if only I could win the lottery....

Hola, sluts!

My rude and in-your-face attitude is thrilling to read about and yet embarrassing to enjoy!

Anyway, not really. i'm vanilla. Maybe vanilla bean.

So, life is fine and dandy. i like to blog so that i can read it later and make fun of the past Jonathan. And it's like i totally wrote it. So yeah, i'm contemplating many things at this point in my life. i won't say that i'm really upsetting the balance all that much, but i think i'm going to move out to California. The land of sun, hedonism, and outdoor sports. i can pick up surfing. i can hone my snowboarding. i can get a motorcycle and not regret it. So much. Forget the fires. i'll just run into the ocean. And the brownouts? i'll just get a generator. Boom, problems solved and California is officially perfect.

But i'm telling myself that it's not to just get away. To escape the sour disappointment that Georgia has become to me. When i first came back to GA, i was so happy to be done with the Air Force. i missed my San Antonio friends, but i eased back into the life i had left. A life that i had assumed to be superior, but i was sadly mistaken. And so now i'm here and wishing that i hadn't realized my heaven (Georgia... hahaha) has turned into a bittersweet purgatory. My drive to California will be my indulgence outta here. i feel like i'll be abandoning my family again, but honestly we're not very close-knit. i guess i've always been a member of a 1-wolf wolf pack. i'm really doing this for me. i'm not doing this to spite them.

Anyway, so the logistics are a bit rough, but it will happen. It will happen because i want it to happen and i've gotta grab life by the balls and pull myself up. And then wash my hands because i grabbed balls. Life is grand.

Greets

So, let's see.  i want to post more random musings, but they're not all that random.  They're thoughts that start me on a blog so it's not like i just sat here and came up with all this fun stuff to blog about. 

You hear about the satellites colliding and raining debris?  Well, i think aliens did it to cover up their entry.  Though if aliens are smart enough to have intergalactic travel (undetected as far as i know, though this could just be a government conspiracy) then i doubt they need to set up a satellite collision to enter the atmosphere as a "burning debris".  Ok, my theory sucks.

There's a lot of pressure on me to succeed.  Do well and burn brightly.  i don't really have a problem with doing well (the concept), but i do have a problem with doing well (quality of work).  i feel like i care, but then i can rationalize why it's ok to procrastinate.  And when i say "rationalize", i'm not saying that it would really be a rational argument to anyone else except myself temporally in the short term.  But that's the beauty of convincing yourself of anything.  Whether it be that you're right or that others are wrong even if the evidence in your mind is paper-thin.  Maybe it's some vague memory from a sentence in a Wikipedia entry somewhere.  But with succeeding, comes this strange counter-pressure to do poorly so others will leave me alone.

i remember being a kid and taking pride in my parents' boast of my school achievements and grades.  Then as i grew older and more self-aware, i came to a point where i no longer really understood why i did what i did.  Did i get good grades for the 20 dollar reward i'd receive?  (that only happened twice randomly)  Did i do it so my parents would applaud me?  (i don't remember them ever really congratulating me unless it was through them telling others so they'd do it for them)  i didn't know why and so i stopped trying.  i developed my obscene love for sleep.  i honed my skills in procrastination and doing the minimum to get by.  My high school GPA fell sharply.  i didn't care.

i wish i hadn't been so short-sighted and i wonder where my life would have led if i had been more motivated.  Frankly, being selfishly motivated is pretty much the only way to really get by in the world.  If you don't care about your future, no one else will.  They'll care about the consequences of your actions, sure, but that doesn't mean they'll hold your hand and guide you all along the way.

just kidding

i'm not done.

i'm not feeling right with the world. i look back at the formative 6 years i spent in the Air Force as a very helpful experience. Not career-wise because i was doing the most boring jobs on earth, but because of the social aspect of it. Not to say it's so different at the core because people are generally all the same. Ok, this is all vague and round-about. Let's just say that it was good to see what the "real world" was like for a while. A life where you go to work, socialize, and then you sleep. Rinse, repeat. It's not an unpleasant life, but it's not really one infused with meaning. Maybe some people in the military really get a kick out of it and feel like they're doing something, but i felt like those types were just delusional. If you're a marine in Iraq, you're just killing people. If you're in the Navy, then you're just riding a boat. So on and so forth.
Which leads to the question, "What is the point?" Is there really one reason or meaning for life? Do i have to justify my existence? Does a homeless man have any less of a reason to exist than a corporate CEO? What's the measure of worth? Money? Social life?

Is depression justified when there's a genuine lack of purpose or just feeling like there is no purpose? So then is it entirely mental? Well, this is all very juvenile. It's like when we're having discussions in my World Literature class. i feel that we delve a bit deeper than some of the authors' original intents. Sometimes a story is just a story and not some analogy for something deeper. We look at how an action could be construed negatively rather than assuming that the action has no general relevance at all.

Whatevs. i'm tired. My purpose in life is to do things that make me happy. i've pretty much given up on trying to figure out how God and my religion fit into things. i used to believe that my religion was some reflection of the SDA standard, but now i don't even know if i could say that. Maybe... a reflection of a shadow... at high noon. It's wrong to judge based on all the people of the faith, but how could i not use them as an example. Why are there basically only 2 types of people. Jesus and sinners. And within the group, "sinners", there are those that try and then there are those that don't. And i really don't see any difference in the actions. If anything the ones who try are the ones who are obviously more hypocritical and fake. So why be one of them? Why can't i just do what i think is good? In fact, i can. So i will.

Again.. this is all very childish. Mostly because i can't really explain myself, but maybe someday i'll get better at it. i'm just trying to be practical here. Maybe some inflections of cynicism, but i think it's all fairly realistic. It's not like i am only thinking negative. i still think the best of people, but why do i have to be surprised if i am betrayed? i know humans are flawed so why are the people in my life any different? Does my light-hearted reaction to backstabbery (a real word) mean i don't care about the betrayal or does it maybe mean that those actions met my expectations of the human condition?

Ok, well, on the less... philisophical side of things, life is good. i'm a Biochemistry major now since Chemistry required the calc-based physics and i really didn't feel like doing it. But i'm about halfway done with my major requirements and i'm 90 percent done with my general education requirements. So... yeah, life is whatever. Life throws me lemons and i sleep.

In times of great emo-ness

So, i'm blogging. Yay. It's sad to see that most blogs have fallen by the wayside. And that's all. Good night.