Tragedy and Loss

Last Friday, a second year dental student died after an apparent suicide. i don't really know many of the details, but rumors had been swirling all weekend and i had no idea what was happening. i first heard it was a suicide attempt. I then heard that it was a car accident. Then i heard it was just some random guy. Then i heard it was a dent student. I heard it was like he'd jumped through and broken his window. I heard it was over a girl. I heard it wasn't over a girl. I heard it was over a tough oral pathology test. . i really didn't know who the guy was either. i remember having seen him at Coffee Bean last quarter every now and then but we never exchanged words. i thought he looked emo, but just cause of his haircut which was kind of just emo-esque.

The whole weekend's events and all the gossip going around kind of got me thinking and I can't say I came out better from it. In general i've found that i'm just angry. i won't get into why he would commit suicide or if he did because i don't know and his reasons are his reasons. God forbid it's some sort of foul play. Either way, the general fallout from this event has kind of just clouded my sense of what's appropriate and inappropriate. In chapel, i was angry when people were playing iPhone games instead of respecting the loss of a brother in arms at LLU. But then I can't force people to care or pay attention or cope differently. I was angry at the way random higher level school administration was handling the situation and the misinformation. I was angry that someone had to die for people to start caring about each other. i hated all the people saying all the trite and wrong things about reaching out to others and finding a way to these troubled souls. But this is just me. An angry guy.

Death has been this ugly specter that has been bothering me for a while. When i was a teen, i remember wanting to commit suicide. Apparently my life of middle school and early 90's alternative rock was hard for my mind to cope with.... i got over it, but i've always felt very willing to go. This does a number on really wanting to do anything productive when you're just waiting for death to take you. Before any of random surgeries under general anesthesia, i would write long informal wills to be found and read if i were to die. i actually still have some of them on my comp and i get a kick out of how stupid i was (and i still am). i hoped to die before any of my friends and i still try to live with the idea that i'd be willing to die for almost anyone if had to or given the opportunity. i'm not going to try and say that this is the right way to live because i have absolutely no clue what the right way is. i know that this way works for me and keeps me happy and sane when i see so much around me that would just make me sad and crazy.

i don't really understand a lot of things because i feel all this is just coming too fast and too loose. Say he did try to commit suicide, can you really stop someone intent on taking their own life if they have the means to? Can you bring them some soup or read them a Bible story to convince them otherwise? i'm not saying that there is no power in simple gestures or the Bible, but there is so much that you can never even see coming. It's not like someone who really wants to go is going to telegraph the signs so he/she can get help from some bleeding heart. I hate talking about this because it offends a part of me to assume that SOMETHING couldn't have been done to prevent this, but i don't like how there's this subconscious shifting of blame for what's happened. That's kind of how the rumors began. People wanted to know the reason. There has to be a reason. If there's a reason then that means something could've been done. If something could've been done then someone specifically could have done it. If someone could have prevented him from going then it's their fault. That's perhaps a reach, but imagine being one of the last people he spoke with. The potential unfathomable guilt that might be in the last group of people he had dinner with just minutes before he was found. i doubt they need some nonsensical talking head to reiterate that they should've been there for him to reach out to in order to prevent it. Or on his family for not seeing any signs. There's just all these undercurrents that maybe i'm just reaching way too deeply into to make any sense of it all. And maybe it's all that anger.

There have been other deaths over the last few years and it always makes me angry for some reason. It sucks. It's inevitable that we're all going at some point, but it's still unfortunate when it's so much sooner than it should be.

Happy New Year 2012

It's now 2012. It's neat seeing 1/1. i think that's just about the most exciting thing ever. Yay.

But anyway, this year was a trip. All kinds of crazy stuff, good and bad, happened. Considering where i am and what i've learned, i suppose i wouldn't have it any other way. Actually, that's crap. i would have it in a way so none of the bad stuff happened, but unfortunately i can't pick and choose. What i can do is try and prevent the same mistakes from happening so that i can have one of those years where there's only good, but we'll see how it goes.

i feel like if i want to have a good blog, it's important to blog frequently. Not so frequently that i'm just writing about what kind of cereal i ate or why i'm being emo on a given day, but i've realized that writing is something that easily atrophies. Kind of like if you don't speak frequently or socialize then you feel all mentally out of whack when a situation comes up that requires speaking or socializing. Yeah, this is all a huge newsflash. i'm not going to act like my new year's resolution is to write more, but maybe i should. Next!

School is whatever. i realize more and more how classes and all these things are hoops to jump through. Maybe a little less banal since some are directly related to my future career, but i really don't see how anatomy of the gut and the cardiovascular development of embryos is important for me. Le sigh... Oh well, at least i passed. So next quarter will be fun.

i really like the people of my class. i can't say i really get a chance to talk to a lot of them since it's tiring just going to classes much less saying hello to everyone you know in a meaningful way. i'm already slightly dreading the obligatory "so how was your break?" with every single person. i'm the worst. But seriously, the classmates are cool. It's weird, but for some reason i can't really click with anyone else like i did with my friends back in MKAY. i mean, maybe i was too old and aloof to really understand the younger people i went to undergrad with. And maybe there was some weird imprinting going on with nostalgia stamping itself really hard so i could never forget the glory MKAY years. Either way, i get along with almost everyone nowadays, but very very few people have my absolute trust like the good ole' boys. Something that's worth thinking more about, but that's another day.

The break was nice. It's been like 2 weeks and it's been crazy tiring. i've probably driven like a full day's worth out of those 2 weeks and i feel like i've slept like half a day total out of those 2 weeks. So off to bed i go.

Happiness is temporary. So when you get it, wring the crap out of it until it comes back again.

When life gives me a lemon, i get sleepy and go to bed.

In other non-vague news, school is fine. Not too difficult so far, but it's all the easy stuff. Got a Disney annual pass and i've got my Snow Summit annual pass so i'm set.

Maybe everything i've thought is just wrong. Caring is the worst. Life is punishment. School is a reprieve. i'm going to set up some boundaries.

i need someone else to blame.

Hahahahaha, so emo. Nah, but it's at least a little interesting. i'd be more specific but i don't even know what's up yet. Maybe too many girls around me having their period or something.

what can be done in a month

So tomorrow i start school. And so my bittersweet summer comes to a close.

Measure of a Man

Who am i? My name is Jonathan, of course. i am now 29 years old. i am starting dental school at the end of August. i'm generally happy. i have good friends. i eat well. i sleep well. But really i am just broken and incomplete.

What does that mean? Am i operationally faulty or an absolute and complete failure? Am i sliver of pie or a pie missing a sliver? i've determined that my quest for perfection in personality has resulted in large gaping holes that cannot be seen from afar, but also cannot be seen under close examination. The only evidence of the holes are the posters put up for the missing people that have fallen into them. These holes are covered by a facade of unbridled giddiness and disarming child-like behavior. The dour, dark holes remain unmaintained and grow unkempt beneath the facade like vines reaching out for more... more of what? Unknown. They are only revealed when my thoughts turn to serious and long-lasting things. Where will i be in 10 years? Who will love me when i'm old? Who will i love when i'm old? This illumination makes the darkness apparent. Like a torch tumbling down into a dark well.

i can blame the disappointment i've felt from unmet expectations. i can blame the very few examples of long-lasting love prevalent in my life. But they are poor, sorry excuses to avoid the truth of the matter.... that i am broken and people assume i have the strength to fix it by myself. So maybe i will.

Once i thought i was just misunderstood. i then realized that the mistake is thinking that i was just misunderstood. i thought it was because i was unlovable. i was wrong because i have been loved. i think i will never be good enough. My problem is that i will keep trying to make this true.

By any measure of a man, i am not a man. i am a 29 year old boy who does not know how to be alone. Idle pleasures, bright lights are what intrigue me and not the quality of a relationship with another human being. i do without thinking and i think without doing when i really should cease both for the sake of those around me. My resolution is to continue to keep the qualities that make me a great friend, but also love myself enough to be better, faithful company to those that see in me what i have yet to see in myself.

Tempered Expectations

So i called Loma Linda Friday because i've been a little worried about the status of my application. All the Cali school deadlines were December 1st, and my last science recommendation letter went through the system on that day. Procrastinating like a pro. So i spoke with someone in Admissions at LLU and she pulled up my file and apparently they had none of the letters submitted through AADSAS (online dent app portal). So i expressed my concern, and she said not to worry since my application would go to committee anyway.

Anyway, i've also been hearing about people who got phone calls on Wednesday which was the first day all dent schools using AADSAS could tell people they've been accepted. i did not receive a phone call. i chalked it up to my ridiculously late recommendation letters. Anyway, i check the site last night and lo and behold....

Kind of tiny.... but yeah, i hope this isn't a trick. The good thing is that it looks like i've been accepted. The bad thing is that since i only have 30 days to decide and i haven't been interviewed anywhere else yet i probably won't have a chance to see what my options are. Guess i'm going to Loma Linda (maybe)!

But yeah, i haven't received a phone call or anything. i just found out because i've been obsessively checking my application status on all the different school sites and AADSAS whenever the future comes to my brain. i almost don't want to get my hopes up and have them realize that it's incorrect. That i'm the wrong Jonathan Kim or something. Also there are way too many people i've grown to know over my year here who are essentially my "competition". In some ways i bet they want it more than me. Now that i've been potentially accepted, all the selfish desires of getting in that have been consuming my concerns have evaporated (tentatively) and now i'm just hoping that all my pre-dent friends get in. As impractical as that is... i just hope.... And i hate to verbalize it because it borders on pity in perception, but it couldn't be farther from it. i can honestly say that all my friends are seriously the only reason i can do anything. i'm not a particularly independent soloist. Whether it's just a random uplifting phone call once in a while or tips on how to study for the DAT better, every single one of my friends has contributed in some way to my successes and happiness. And i just hope that all of us get in and we'll party it up for 4 wondrous teeth-filled years.

So i guess we'll see how it goes. i've still gotta graduate and i've been slacking so hard. It's like i realize how much i can slack so i push it to the edge and rest there until i realize i can slack some more and scoot a little closer to the edge. Last year was so rough and in comparison this year is just... restful... i think this is senioritis. And this time it's actually legit. i'm 28 years old (will be 29 before dent school) + last year of biochemistry degree = advanced senioritis with a supreme case of oldness. i really should improve my study habits if this dent school thing is going to happen. But yeah, blogger nation is the first one to hear about it. All 2 of you. i'll post if i get more concrete confirmation or denial.