Greets

So, let's see.  i want to post more random musings, but they're not all that random.  They're thoughts that start me on a blog so it's not like i just sat here and came up with all this fun stuff to blog about. 

You hear about the satellites colliding and raining debris?  Well, i think aliens did it to cover up their entry.  Though if aliens are smart enough to have intergalactic travel (undetected as far as i know, though this could just be a government conspiracy) then i doubt they need to set up a satellite collision to enter the atmosphere as a "burning debris".  Ok, my theory sucks.

There's a lot of pressure on me to succeed.  Do well and burn brightly.  i don't really have a problem with doing well (the concept), but i do have a problem with doing well (quality of work).  i feel like i care, but then i can rationalize why it's ok to procrastinate.  And when i say "rationalize", i'm not saying that it would really be a rational argument to anyone else except myself temporally in the short term.  But that's the beauty of convincing yourself of anything.  Whether it be that you're right or that others are wrong even if the evidence in your mind is paper-thin.  Maybe it's some vague memory from a sentence in a Wikipedia entry somewhere.  But with succeeding, comes this strange counter-pressure to do poorly so others will leave me alone.

i remember being a kid and taking pride in my parents' boast of my school achievements and grades.  Then as i grew older and more self-aware, i came to a point where i no longer really understood why i did what i did.  Did i get good grades for the 20 dollar reward i'd receive?  (that only happened twice randomly)  Did i do it so my parents would applaud me?  (i don't remember them ever really congratulating me unless it was through them telling others so they'd do it for them)  i didn't know why and so i stopped trying.  i developed my obscene love for sleep.  i honed my skills in procrastination and doing the minimum to get by.  My high school GPA fell sharply.  i didn't care.

i wish i hadn't been so short-sighted and i wonder where my life would have led if i had been more motivated.  Frankly, being selfishly motivated is pretty much the only way to really get by in the world.  If you don't care about your future, no one else will.  They'll care about the consequences of your actions, sure, but that doesn't mean they'll hold your hand and guide you all along the way.