What does that mean? Am i operationally faulty or an absolute and complete failure? Am i sliver of pie or a pie missing a sliver? i've determined that my quest for perfection in personality has resulted in large gaping holes that cannot be seen from afar, but also cannot be seen under close examination. The only evidence of the holes are the posters put up for the missing people that have fallen into them. These holes are covered by a facade of unbridled giddiness and disarming child-like behavior. The dour, dark holes remain unmaintained and grow unkempt beneath the facade like vines reaching out for more... more of what? Unknown. They are only revealed when my thoughts turn to serious and long-lasting things. Where will i be in 10 years? Who will love me when i'm old? Who will i love when i'm old? This illumination makes the darkness apparent. Like a torch tumbling down into a dark well.
i can blame the disappointment i've felt from unmet expectations. i can blame the very few examples of long-lasting love prevalent in my life. But they are poor, sorry excuses to avoid the truth of the matter.... that i am broken and people assume i have the strength to fix it by myself. So maybe i will.
Once i thought i was just misunderstood. i then realized that the mistake is thinking that i was just misunderstood. i thought it was because i was unlovable. i was wrong because i have been loved. i think i will never be good enough. My problem is that i will keep trying to make this true.
By any measure of a man, i am not a man. i am a 29 year old boy who does not know how to be alone. Idle pleasures, bright lights are what intrigue me and not the quality of a relationship with another human being. i do without thinking and i think without doing when i really should cease both for the sake of those around me. My resolution is to continue to keep the qualities that make me a great friend, but also love myself enough to be better, faithful company to those that see in me what i have yet to see in myself.
deep
ReplyDelete